I did not write something for last night for two reasons. 1) I actually forgot it, sorry. 2) When I remembered I wrote nothing, I let it slide. It is very typical of me to allow myself to get bored of something I’ve been doing for a long time and as soon as I forget one, I never go back. This is the reason I never lasted in the blogging world. Nor any of my other ventures. Before I hit the month milestone, I was gone. Not surprised that I am there. This time, I am so aware of it, that I made it a challenge to come back.
I am very impatient. I need to see results quickly, or I’ll get bored of the process. The longest venture I ever had was a fansite for Vanessa Hudgens way back more than a decade ago. I was so into it that I even made a few bucks out of it. It was a time when fansites were such a huge thing, all we did was collect news, photos and videos before the other website gets to it. My viewers then were probably an equivalent to a millions of followers in social media language. My website was always the first to appear in Google search when you search Vanessa Hudgens. I was always in time. I was so present.
But I can never apply it to other celebrities, or myself. I never knew why. I think I was so into her then that everything she did, inspired me. I was so inspired that I improved my computer skills as I followed her career around. I learned to make great web designs at a time web builders weren’t popular yet. I learned to use WordPress before 50+% of today’s websites were powered by it. I learned to speak code before it became so complicated. I knew basic hacking. I met so many people. I counted my daily views grow quickly. I was obsessed. I still use many of those skills (okay, I can not hack anymore so no don’t ask. But it made me understand the importance of password and Internet protection). The amount of skill development I received was so vast that I kept doing it. But, again, I can never apply it to myself.
Nothing else lasted as long as that website did unless it was bound by deadlines or payments. I quickly get bored when I receive no results or positive feedback. The constructive feedback I know is always there and it’s great for growth. But when that’s all a person receives, one can not help wonder, does growth ever happen at all.
This writing venture has no set goal. It was just something I need to do to let out to clear the messiness of my cluttered brain. View counts weren’t important, readers weren’t the goal. If someone reads it, thank you. If someone brushes past it, it’s okay. It was meant for me to let go. The idea is to find a story in mundane daily life. Either to do it creatively, or dumb a whole lot of nonsense in one go. The freedom was so good, there is no need to be perfect. Sometimes I edit, sometimes I’m so tired I let the machine tell me I made a mistake and just let it fix for me.
This week I was given the opportunity to take a proper break. I felt myself hurrying to finish everything I was planning on doing on the first day of my break. I had to do everything I couldn’t do on the days I have work, panicking that the day will be over soon. I had to catch myself, breathe deep and slow down. Gladly I did because I actually felt even more productive than I imagined. I even had time to just stay still and watch Netflix.
My yoga session today reminded me that I am still within. I still have the skills and the determination to be better. I just have to learn to ground down and focus on one move at a time. Because then, there will still be a few spare minutes to dance, which I had, and I did and it was refreshing, freeing and blissful.
