Bundled in a blanket with the heater blazing at its highest. It’s not even raining, no. Sunshine tickled my room as if it’s the middle of summer. Yet, here I was, lying in bed with no energy to do anything. Sniff. Sniff. Cough. All alone, bundled. Sick.
I bragged how much good much I don’t get sick. The universe, however, decided to test it. I got after one night my mind couldn’t handle my thoughts and slept way too late and woke up way too early. I was all energized and healthy for work. Then I sat on the bus and my body finally caught up, and then my throat started tickling. Then my nose began to bleed under my protective mask. My muscles vibrating.
I was made to stay home before I could spread any fever. Good call. Or I would have come in and endured the pain. I was embarrassed, a little. Too much arrogance. When my body, clearly has limits.
For months now I’ve lost my yoga hours. The cold weather motivates me to sleep more than move. Then to indulge more than to take it slow. There are more dark hours in the day but I make myself do things as if the opposite is true. There’s so much to do in life, I tell myself. So much to learn. So much I want to do. Time is ticking, I could hear it in the back of my head. Yet I don’t know what the time is for. Aging? Youth? Money? Motherhood?
I feel like I spent so much of my youth trying to be an adult and now that I actually have adult responsibilities, my youth had been compromised. Household rules controlled me. Lack of resources limited me. Perfection caged me. Perfection bored me.
And yet I still succumb to this mindset and every day I push myself to be better than I was yesterday at a place that doesn’t need what I am good at. I am loved where I’m at. I am appreciated where I’m at. I just cannot offer what I’ve got when there’s no place for it at the table. It’s exhausting. Especially when it’s what my daily life is. I’m exhausted. I need to get out. This time next year, I’ll be on my way to my own 9-5. No time to tell me I need to show up because I will tell my own time. That is the goal. But it has to start today.
