Ever been like the one who seems to have an endless to-do list? I am. Not just because I actually have so much to do. There is a hefty amount of stuff in my mind that needs to get done. However, half of it is that I am scared that I’m worthless when I’ve got nothing to do. Take my weekend for example. I had a 3-day weekend where I could easily find the time to finally work on the things I said I’ll do. The bathroom needs cleaning, the kitchen needs organizing, the closet needs revamping. Then there are projects that are listed to be done. Then the exercises and meditations that I said I’ll include in my daily routine. But what ends up happening is me on the bed watching Netflix, bored to death.
I have always blamed time for being scarce thus not being able to do any of my tasks. I know it’s bull because I am very aware of what I do not do and what I actually have. Everyone has the same amount of time as I do every day. Ten hours of it is towards an actual paying job (that includes my ride to and from). About six or seven towards rest and recovery. The rest? I can so use it for my to-do list. Time was never the problem. Energy and self-motivation have always been my problem when it comes to things I have said I always wanted to do.
The last time I was motivated to do anything outside of my life requirements was in high school. That was yonks ago. I remember getting up early so I have more time to create. I used to make websites for celebrities, you see. I was just obsessed and I enjoyed the designing part. The views grew as I worked on it, and never felt pressured. It was actually more motivating. Then somehow I made friends, and suddenly, I didn’t need it anymore. I left it to die down.
It may have been just my way to escape a boring high school life. The life outside of where I was then was so interesting I needed a way to pretend. Then life became interesting, and somehow I made sense in the world. I found a place that I was of use to anyone or anything and that became my new obsession. When life became dull again, I couldn’t go back to it. It was too far away to go back to and that online world had changed, it had become everyone’s reality that the fantasy to escape was gone. It had become too crowded. Suddenly everyone knows the secret.
It may also be my adulthood masking the idea of fun into the things I do. Like, instead of just a simple escape, I feel like I do things so I can make money off of it. I add things so I can add a skill. All not bad reasons, but the reason to just have fun is not present. Maybe that’s why Netflix has taken over. It is not because I can just chill out, but because I could escape to it. Is that so wrong? I don’t think so. But maybe this is my missing piece to unlock the fun. Make it my escape than my reality. Don’t have to make it work as future life. Just have fun and escape.
