Knuckles are drawn inwards inside my pockets, heart pounding, but lips smiling. Every day for weeks now this is me. Angry at something with no outlet. No way to get it off. People piss me off lately. A select few are allowed in my circle. Covid piss me off lately. My patience had gone down. New Zealand piss me off lately. The homeliness here was wearing off. I piss myself off lately. I don’t seem to know how to listen to me nor do I know how to take care of myself.
Anger always makes itself known. If there is one emotion I am familiar with, it is anger. I’d seen it, I’d heard it, I’d felt it growing up. Everyone around me knew how to express anger. Now, you see, I know what it looks like but I can not express it. Not anymore, anyway. This suppression of anger is what makes the bitch in me come out: easily irritated, no patience and rude. This anger has surfaced due to the lack of time for self, feeling useless, being the receiver of negative energy and simply just in the wrong place at the wrong time. It’s irritating that the solution is so present, so obvious, but so out of reach: I need a break.
My job is putting me on the edge lately, trying to deal with a changing team whilst being flexible as most of them are isolating at home either surrounded by people with Covid or dealing with it themselves. I should be thankful I’m still Covid free, but that presented a whole other challenge. I couldn’t take a break because there are only a few people left that could work from the team. But mand do I need one desperately.
Last night, I hang out with a friend. It was a change in this boring daily adulting routine I’ve been experiencing. I thrive in a routine if it’s for a habit, like getting ready in the morning. If my whole life – from when I woke up to closing my eyes – is all the same throughout each day, then it seems like a very mechanical sort of life. No humanness. Maybe that’s why all I have been doing lately was to complain. I thought I was getting better mindfully but I have been consumed by my internal complaints that it’s been spilling out of my system. I couldn’t stop. It has to stop. Nothing good comes out of complaining. It only invites negativity. The not-so-good negative results, that is.
I need a change. Some sort of change.
